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Writer's pictureAllan Shedlin

Dear Dads, You're Neither Damned nor Doomed

By Allan Shedlin

Grampsy and Founder, Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F)

IMAGE: excerpted from DC: The Doomed and the Damned cover, Vol 1, issue 1, December 2020, Artists - Kyle Hotz, Alejandro Sánchez

What kind of father does a man become who, as a child, has witnessed his father having intercourse with a prostitute in a brothel?


What kind of father does a man become who was born to a 13-year-old mother, who 12 years later witnesses that mother leap off a roof trying to take her life because of the severe abuse she suffered in their family?


What kind of a father does a man become whose father abandons the family when the son is 2 years old, and only visits that son once more when the son is 10?


The first two examples refer, anonymously, to recent discussions I’ve had with two wonderful dads and granddads who shared their early trauma stories with me. The third comes from President Obama’s 1995 autobiography, Dreams from My Father.


Although there is plenty of research that documents the consequences and prevalence of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) and their connection to later adverse outcomes, there are far too few stories that document the positive outcomes when men decide to remember these negative circumstances and commit to do better as fathers.


During my three decades of listening to dads and granddads, I have heard so many stories about how learning what not to do became instructive about what to do; about how the pain caused by childhoods of father absenteeism, neglect, or abuse became a valued guide to breaking that cycle. Not surprisingly, this was intensely apparent in the program I conducted in a penitentiary but has been even more dramatically apparent in so many of the stories shared with me during my 205 one-on-one daddying interviews.


One particular interview comes to mind as I write this post. It was conducted in New Mexico with an 85-year-old dad/granddad. After describing his childhood in a chronically dysfunctional birth family, he described the harmony and strength of the family he created. When I asked how he managed that, he said matter-of-factly, “I just decided that the craziness stopped with me.”


And so it can be. And so these stories must be told.


“I just decided that the craziness stopped with me.”

As I write this blog, I also have a flashback to 1992, when, as the executive director of the National Elementary School Center in East Harlem, New York, we decided to conduct a summer institute addressing an issue that was creating panic among teachers throughout the nation: the imminent arrival in schools of so-called “crack babies.” There was a fear that the epidemic of children exposed prenatally to drugs and alcohol would be arriving in kindergartens as uneducable and uncontrollable “monsters” who would make educating all their classmates impossible due to their disruptive behavior.


We created a video of teachers discussing their fears, interviewed medical and other trained experts, and examined research findings. After examining the myths and the realities, we issued a report titled “Neither Damned nor Doomed.”


And so it can be.


There is no doubt that growing up with extreme family dysfunction and trauma makes it more likely that becoming an excellent dad will be more challenging, but it is not preordained. I have long believed that basically any father so committed can become the dad he wants to be – the one he wished he had – and that he and his children can flourish.


These are the stories that need to be told.



 


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Allan Shedlin has devoted his life's work to improving the odds for children and families. He has three daughters, five grandchildren, as well as numerous "bonus" sons, daughters, and grandchildren. Trained as an educator, Allan has alternated between classroom service, school leadership, parenting coaching, policy development, and advising at the local, state, and national levels. After eight years as an elementary school principal, Allan founded and headed the National Elementary School Center for 10 years. In the 1980s, he began writing about education and parenting for major news outlets and education trade publications, as well as appearing on radio and TV. In 2008, he was honored as a "Living Treasure" by Mothering Magazine and founded REEL Fathers in Santa Fe, NM, where he now serves as president emeritus. In 2017, he founded the DADvocacy Consulting Group. In 2018, he launched the DADDY Wishes Fund and Daddy Appleseed Fund. In 2019, he co-created and began co-facilitating the Armor Down/Daddy Up! and Mommy Up! programs. He has conducted daddying workshops in such diverse settings as Native American pueblos, veterans groups, nursery schools, penitentiaries, Head Start centers, corporate boardrooms, and various elementary schools, signifying the widespread interest in men in becoming the best possible dad. In 2022, Allan founded and co-directed the Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F) to enable students, dads, and other indie filmmakers to use film as a vehicle to communicate the importance of fathers or father figures in each others' lives. Allan earned his elementary and high school diplomas from NYC’s Ethical Culture Schools, BA at Colgate University, MA, at Columbia University’s Teachers College, and an ABD at Fordham University. But he considers his D-A-D and GRAND D-A-D the most important “degrees” of all.

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