By Allan Shedlin
Grampsy and Founder, DCG and Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F)
Once upon a time, there was a very little boy who used to wait at the door for his father to come home from work. He was too young to understand the need for his daddy's love.
When that little boy was three years old, he looked forward to the Sundays his father was home so he could lie on the floor next to him and “read” the newspaper comics. The little boy couldn’t actually read, but he pretended so he could lie next to his dad.
As he got a little older, he would accompany his dad to the sink so he could stand next to him when he washed his hands. Ultimately, he realized that he could keep his father near him by eating very slowly. He knew his father wanted him to eat all his dinner because his father would always sternly say, “You can’t leave the table until your plate is empty…and
I’ll sit here to make sure you finish everything on that plate.”
He craved his father’s love, attention, and his presence. And that presence was scarce because his father’s work kept him on the road and out of the house for two-thirds of the year.
When I think of that little boy, a recrudescent sadness descends, because that little boy was me.
This past week, I was a guest on two different father-related podcasts – Daddying Film Fest Circle of Friends members 21st Century Dads' Dad to Dad pod and Fathers Incorporated's I Am Dad pod (episodes will post online in the next few weeks). Both podcast hosts were deep thinkers and asked suitably in-depth and provocative questions. Both wanted to know why, after a full career as an educator, I have been working with dads, father figures, and grandfathers for the past three decades. As I pondered their questions, those early self-images washed over me until I was soaked in the sadness I'd first felt as a child.
Because I've been an exuberant dad and granddad, I have experienced the apex of parenting and grandparenting – when nurturing your children is nourishing to you too. So, I know that parenting does not have to be disappointing for fathers or children. From years of conducting hundreds of daddying interviews with youth and fathers and innumerable workshops in a wide variety of settings, I have learned that children and fathers desire the same qualities in a dad. And these qualities are mostly achievable by pretty much everybody who is willing to try.
There is no magic or superpower required.
There are way too many daughters and sons whose experiences with their fathers have been non-existent or disappointing at best. And there are way too many fathers whose opportunities to be daddies have been handicapped, limited, or diminished by their own experiences as sons, their circumstances, or social forces that create unnecessary hurdles.
At the end of each recent podcast appearance, I was asked if I had a final message for fathers. My offering was the same one I often give to fathers I encounter, which is simply:
“Don’t keep the dad you want to be waiting.”
* Yours truly, at age 3
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Poster Designed by Michael Duggan
official D3F theme song created by Diana Lawrence
Call for Entries for the 3rd Annual Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F) is LIVE! Check out the D3F website for more details, submission guidelines, and Atticus Award-winning examples from previous years. Students (1st grade through undergrads), Dads/Dad figures, and other indie filmmakers also can head directly to D3F's FilmFreeway page to submit film/videos celebrating the importance of having or being an involved Dad or Dad figure.
Early-bird submission deadline is February 5th!
Regular deadline is March 4th
Daddy on!
Allan Shedlin has devoted his life's work to improving the odds for children and families. He has three daughters, five grandchildren, as well as numerous "bonus" sons/daughters and grandchildren. Trained as an educator, Allan has alternated between classroom service, school leadership, parenting coaching, policy development, and advising at the local, state, and national levels. After eight years as an elementary school principal, Allan founded and headed the National Elementary School Center for 10 years. In the 1980s, he began writing about education and parenting for major news outlets and education trade publications, as well as appearing on radio and TV. In 2008, he was honored as a "Living Treasure" by Mothering Magazine and founded REEL Fathers in Santa Fe, NM, where he now serves as president emeritus. In 2017, he founded the DADvocacy Consulting Group. In 2018, he launched the DADDY Wishes Fund and Daddy Appleseed Fund. In 2019, he co-created and began co-facilitating the Armor Down/Daddy Up! and Mommy Up! programs. He has conducted daddying workshops in such diverse settings as Native American pueblos, veterans groups, nursery schools, penitentiaries, Head Start centers, corporate boardrooms, and various elementary schools, signifying the widespread interest in men in becoming the best possible dad. In 2022, Allan founded and co-directed the Daddying Film Festival & Forum to enable students, dads, and other indie filmmakers to use film as a vehicle to communicate the importance of fathers or father figures in each others' lives. Allan earned his elementary and high school diplomas from NYC’s Ethical Culture Schools, BA at Colgate University, MA at Columbia University’s Teachers College, and an ABD at Fordham University. But he considers his D-A-D and GRAND D-A-D the most important “degrees” of all.
