Pulling Your Finger From an Emotional Dike
- Allan Shedlin
- 22 hours ago
- 8 min read
Updated: 1 minute ago
By Allan Shedlin
Grampsy and founder, Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F)
EDITOR'S NOTE: Allan has written previously on the blog about perinatal depression and will participate in a panel at the 2025 Postpartum Support International (PSI) Conference in New Orleans, LA, on July 11 titled, "Fatherhood through the Years: Perinatal Paternal Mental Health through a Lifespan Development Lens." A version of the following commentary also appears in PSI's newsletter this week:
Notwithstanding stereotypes of men not wanting or able to talk about feelings and emotions, my experience conducting daddying interviews with 205 men (ages 16 to 104 years old, from 20 countries and a broad spectrum of backgrounds and socio-economic status) has been quite the opposite. During interviews that lasted between an hour and 3+ hours, it often felt that these dads, granddads, and even a few great-granddads were pulling their fingers from an emotional dike. Feelings were released in a cascade that sometimes even surprised the men.
Ninety-one percent of the men I've interviewed in my daddying research have either cried outright during their interviews or fought off tears as their eyes welled up. And 94 percent of fathers shared that their lives have been positively enriched by their experiences as dads. It is way past time to also acknowledge the reciprocal benefits to men of positive father involvement with their children, no matter what the "children's" ages.
Fathering vs. Daddying
During my almost three decades studying, working with, and writing about fathers, the cultural attention and academic research dedicated to fatherhood have increased exponentially. In many ways, it has benefited from the rethinking of the roles of mothers and women in general triggered by the Women's Movement.
I coined the term "daddying" in 1994 to describe the place where fatherhood and nurturing converge. It makes a distinction between the one-time act of fathering and the lifelong process of daddying. Daddying requires active involvement and a lifelong commitment to a child’s physical, emotional, social, intellectual, creative, and moral/spiritual well-being. Daddying roles may also be played by other significant people who play fatherly roles in kids’ lives, including but not limited to granddads, uncles, older brothers, teachers, coaches, and mentors.
I began interviewing men about their experiences as fathers in 1997. All the men I listened to were asked in-depth questions about their experience as dads and with their own fathers. My listening was in-depth, as well.
The original purpose for conducting these in-depth interviews was to learn how men experience their role as parents and share what I had learned to optimize the daddying experience for children and men alike.
The daddying interviews were preceded by three years of conducting 28 daddying focus groups with 162 children and youth from three countries. If I considered daddying a "product," I might consider daughters and sons "consumers." And the best way to improve a product is to talk with the consumers of "daddying" – children and youth.
During this more than a quarter-century of qualitative research, I’ve learned a great deal and provided an opportunity for the interviewees to think more deeply about their parental role than most had ever thought about it.
Although I continued to hear unique stories and anecdotes, after about halfway through the 205 interviews, I was not really learning anything new about daddying. But what I had discovered was the importance of providing an opportunity for men to share their stories and to discover – perhaps for the first time – how important their role is and how important it is to them.
Essential Daddying Lessons Learned
Overlooking the importance of father-child involvement to fathers deprives the field of a fundamental opportunity to increase motivation for increased father involvement and to expand the view of men as nurturing, sensitive, and vulnerable human beings. Appreciating this aspect of fathers can encourage a rethinking of what it means to be "manly" and thus acknowledge that it is the key to the fuller definition of fatherhood I’ve established as daddying.
At the end of each individual interview, I thank the men for their time and candid sharing. One hundred percent of the time, they respond, "Thank YOU so much for listening." Here are the essential daddying "lessons" learned – lessons that are relevant to all parents and grandparents, not just dads:
Daddying is more than just who you are, it's something you do!
Dads matter to kids and kids matter to Dads (in their presence and in their absence).
Daddying and mommying don't take place in a vacuum. They occur in a dynamic micro-social system known as "family" within a dynamic macro-social system referred to as the broader society.
Parents have an opportunity to encourage and/or discourage each other's daddying or mommying.
There is no such thing as a "perfect" parent, and you don't need to be perfect to be a successful parent.
Dads have the power to become the dads they and their children want and need them to be, and it's often not as daunting as one thinks.
We must do everything we can to provide opportunities for fathers to move from an "understudy" to a co-starring parenting role.
As you consider the Dad or mom YOU most want to be, ask yourself how you want your child to describe you as a parent five, 10, 15+ years from now.
The qualities kids most want in their Dad are the ones most Dads want to cultivate AND that child development experts agree are needed to lead fulfilled and fulfilling lives.
There is a reciprocity of benefits to Dads (and others who serve fatherly roles) and children alike when fathers/father figures and their children are positively involved in each other's lives.
Almost all fathers/father figures want to be there for their children.
Daddying is one of life's rare opportunities to make a direct connection to your heart.
In honor of Fathers' Day 2026 – which I recommend be renamed "Daddies' Day" – be aware that if you embrace the opportunity to become a genuinely and exuberantly involved Dad, you will never be alone in your heart.
Daddy-up and Daddy on!
Additional Mental Health Resources from PSI:
Daddying Film Fest 2026
The 5th Annual Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F) welcomes film and video submissions, including TikToks and Instagram reels, from students (3rd-graders through undergraduates), Dads/Granddads/Dad figures, and indie filmmakers and studios worldwide!
Students and Dads/Dad figures/Granddads can submit 1- to 40-minute films/videos (MP4 or MOV format), including music or dance videos, animation, and comedies, and indie filmmakers can submit films of any length that relate to one or more D3F/daddying themes:
A letter to my Dad/father figure or my child(ren)
The most joyful/fun thing I ever did or wish I could do/have done with my Dad/father figure or child(ren)
If I could make one wish come true for my Dad/father figure or child(ren) it would be...
My Daddy dream: the most positive relationship I could imagine having with my Dad/father figure or child(ren)
Men Caring: celebrate one of the many other faces of daddying, including men who play nurturing, fatherly roles and make a positive impact. Examples include foster Dads, adoptive Dads, Granddads, uncles, teachers, mentors and “big brothers,” philanthropists/patrons, and other role models/celebrities.
NEW for 2026: "Returning Dads" – celebrating dads remaining connected or re-integrating with kids and family, including deployed and incarcerated dads.
What's in it For You?
All student FINALISTS earn $250 for use toward an activity or project to enjoy with their dad/dad figure. Student WINNERS earn an additional $250, and a custom-made Atticus Award trophy. All D3F winners, including dads/dad figures and non-student, indie filmmakers, earn an “Atticus,” a statuette symbolizing Atticus Finch from the 1962 film based on Harper Lee’s book, To Kill a Mockingbird. Finch, an iconic single dad, represents several ideal daddying qualities. Winners of the Roy R. Neuberger Prize for Best Dad-created Film/Video and Men Caring Award for Best Film/Video celebrating Dad-figures earn $500.
D3F Save the Dates
D3F’s virtual film festival will take place Friday, January 9 - Thursday, January 15, 2026, on Eventive. The live Daddying Film Forum will be Friday, January 30, and Saturday, January 31, in Washington, DC (site/s TBD). Dads and students can submit their films and videos (including TikToks, Instagram reels, music and dance videos) for FREE on D3F's FilmFreeway page before the NEW "Mockingbird" deadline on Friday, Oct 3. The early-bird, discount deadline is Friday, October 24, and the regular deadline is Monday, December 8.
AND IF YOU'RE IN DC, MD, or VA...
To provide added incentive for students, Dads/Dad figures, and Granddads in DC, Maryland, and Virginia to submit videos for consideration, D3F is having a music, poetry, and dance video contest to choose opening acts that will perform live to kickoff the Daddying Film Forum in Washington, DC (venue TBD), January 30-31, 2026.
The competition is open to local students (3rd graders through undergrads), Dads/Dad figures, and Granddads across a range of musical, spoken-word, and dance performance categories, including school choirs, bands, dance groups/drill teams, and a cappella groups; all-student rock bands, poetry slammers, rappers, Dad-child musical duets and dance routines, solo Dad/Dad figure/Granddad performers, and all-Dad/Dad figure/Granddad bands.
The musical/poetry performances and choreography can be dad-related songs OR poems, originals or covers, live or lip-synced. All that's required is for submissions to relate in some way to the D3F themes (Dad-child related and family-friendly) and be at least a minute long (think TikTok/Insta reels). All entrants to the contest will have their videos automatically entered into D3F 2026 and eligible for Best Music Video Atticus Award consideration. Music/dance video contest entries are FREE*, but must be submitted no later than the D3F Mockingbird deadline of Friday, October 3, 2025.
Not From the DC Area? No problem!
Even if you're not a student, Dad, Dad figure, or Granddad located in the Greater Washington, DC area, we'd love for you to create and submit a daddying-related, music or dance video for D3F 2026 consideration! Your submission will still be FREE before the October 3rd Mockingbird deadline and students/Dads/Dad figures will still be eligible to earn an Atticus Award and prize money in their respective student/Dad/Dad figure award categories!
*NOTE to choir/dance directors, teachers, and other adults submitting videos for students: please submit your contest entry on FilmFreeway as a "student" submission to ensure properly categorized.
Stay tuned to our website, social media pages, and MailChimp for the latest D3F news.
Lights! Cameras! Daddy on!
Allan Shedlin has devoted his life's work to improving the odds for children and families. He has three daughters, five grandchildren, and numerous "bonus" sons, daughters, and grandchildren. Trained as an educator, Allan has alternated between classroom service, school leadership, parenting coaching, policy development, and advising at the local, state, and national levels. After eight years as an elementary school principal, Allan founded and headed the National Elementary School Center. He has written about education and parenting for major news outlets and trade publications, as well as appearing on radio and TV. In 2008, he was the first male honored as a "Living Treasure" by Mothering Magazine and founded REEL Fathers. In 2010, he advised the Obama White House on fathering policy. In 2017, he founded the DADvocacy Consulting Group. In 2018, he launched the DADDY Wishes Fund and Daddy Appleseed Fund. In 2019, he co-created and began co-facilitating the Armor Down/Daddy Up! and Mommy Up! programs for veterans and their children. He has conducted daddying workshops with Native American pueblos, veterans’ groups, penitentiaries, Head Start centers, corporate boardrooms, and elementary schools. In 2022, Allan founded and directed the Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F). In 2024, he was named to Who’s Who. In 2025, he was named “Father of the Year” by the Fathers & Families Coalition of America. Allan earned his elementary and high school diplomas from NYC’s Ethical Culture Schools, BA at Colgate University, MA at Columbia University’s Teachers College, and an ABD at Fordham University. He considers his D-A-D and GRAND D-A-D the most important “degrees” of all.
