Preserving Your Daddying Heart
- Allan Shedlin
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
By Allan Shedlin
Grampsy and Founder, Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F)
During many years as a teacher and principal from graduate school up to nursery school, I observed that most children come to school with a desperation to learn. They are filled with questions that demand answers. Sadly, by second or third grade, most have learned that school is not a place to ask good questions, but rather a place to provide the right answer. And thus, that natural curiosity and valuable desperation to learn often withers. The prevailing culture in far too many schools knocks it out of them.
After three-plus decades of listening to Dads and Granddads for hundreds of hours while conducting daddying interviews with men 16-104 years old from 20 countries, I've made a similar observation about the often-stultifying impact of prevailing norms and expectations concerning the expressing of men's feelings and emotions. For the Dads I interviewed whose "children" were 50 years old or younger, it was commonplace for them to have been in the delivery room at birth.
All three of my daughters are older than 50 and when my oldest daughter was born in a NYC hospital, I asked if I could attend the delivery, the nurse in charge snapped at me, "Sir, this is the maternity ward, not the psychiatric ward!" Happily, things have changed in that regard.
Among many things I learned from the 205 interviews I've conducted, thus far, was that those Dads who had been present for the delivery formed a more immediate and natural bond. They had also developed an appreciation for the strength of the mother of their child. Many men told me that when they held their infant for the first time, they instantly vowed to always be there for their child, "no matter what it takes." There was an immediate connection to their heart.
One Dad told me that at the birth of his child, he realized he would "never be alone in his heart."
Many people are surprised to learn that clinical research supports this observation I made during my qualitative research. Sometime during the prenatal period, there is a significant hormonal shift for dads – a significant drop in testosterone and an increase in nurturing hormones, like oxytocin and prolactin. These changes become even more pronounced when dads become more involved in daddying.
One Dad told me that at the birth of his child, he realized he would "never be alone in his heart."
Unfortunately, just as the culture of schools often works to squelch the elements that are most important for learning, our cultural expectations for men work to squelch the natural, innate elements most valuable to daddying.
The care and feeding of the daddying heart is more important than ever during our increasingly heartless times.
Daddying Film Festival & Forum 2027
June 21, 2026
Save the Dates: The 6th annual, virtual Daddying Film Festival will take place on Eventive, January 11-20, 2027, and our LIVE Daddying Film Forum will screen Atticus Award winners and finalists, January 29-30, 2027! Start planning your submissions now for the D3F 2027 Call for Entries, which opens this Fathers' Day, June 21st. More D3F news to come!
Allan Shedlin has devoted his life's work to improving the odds for children and families. He has three daughters, five grandchildren, and numerous "bonus" sons, daughters, and grandchildren. Trained as an educator, Allan has alternated between classroom service, school leadership, parenting coaching, policy development, and advising at the local, state, and national levels. After eight years as an elementary school principal, Allan founded and headed the National Elementary School Center. He has written about education and parenting for major news outlets and trade publications, as well as appearing on radio and TV. In 2008, he was the first male honored as a "Living Treasure" by Mothering Magazine and founded REEL Fathers. In 2010, he advised the Obama White House on Dad engagement and fatherhood policy. In 2017, he founded the DADvocacy Consulting Group. In 2018, he launched the DADDY Wishes Fund and Daddy Appleseed Fund. In 2019, he co-created and co-facilitated the Armor Down/Daddy Up! and Mommy Up! programs for veterans and their children. He has conducted daddying workshops with Native American pueblos, veterans’ groups, penitentiaries, Head Start centers, corporate boardrooms, and elementary schools. In 2022, Allan founded and directed the Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F). In 2024, he was named to Who’s Who. In 2025, Allan was honored with an "Official Citation" from the Maryland State General Assembly "In Recognition for All You Do for Dads, Granddads, and Kids of All Ages." He also was named 2025 “Father of the Year” by the Fathers & Families Coalition of America. Allan earned his elementary and high school diplomas from NYC’s Ethical Culture Schools, BA at Colgate University, MA at Columbia University’s Teachers College, and an ABD at Fordham University. He considers his D-A-D and GRAND D-A-D the most important “degrees” of all.
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