Navigating Holiday Stress: Managing Expectations with Teens from Both Parents' Perspectives
- Allan Shedlin
- 2 hours ago
- 5 min read
Guest Post by Dr. Medeeha Khan
Physician and College Advisor
The holiday season can be one of the most emotionally charged times of the year. Between family gatherings, academic pressures (such as college admissions as deadlines loom ahead this winter or college tours), and social expectations, stress levels can rise – for parents and adolescents alike. As a college advisor and physician currently specializing in pediatrics, I often see how this time of year brings unique challenges for families navigating changing dynamics, especially when teenagers are involved.
The Adolescent Perspective: Autonomy, Identity, and Pressure
For many adolescents, holidays highlight the tension between wanting independence and still being part of a family system that often expects participation in long-standing traditions.
As a parent, it's important to remember that these conflicting desires aren't rejection, they're developmental. Teens are learning to balance competing priorities, a skill that will serve them throughout adulthood. It is important, however, to let all parents' perspectives be shared in a parenting approach that is based on your knowledge of your adolescent's specific personality. Here are some examples:
Balancing: Let's say that your teen really wants to go see her friends one day during holiday break, but you had three plans with the family that day and hoped she would be present for them. If you know your teen is insistent, and refusing access to her friends completely might lead to tension and a blow-out, an alternative approach could be:
"This is your time off school, which is important to your friends and your family because we all love spending time with you. We had three plans today we hoped you might be part of, but you can choose which one you want to replace with seeing your friends. It's up to you."
This gives them some decision making but still prioritizes family time.
Plan in advance and establish expectations collaboratively: Perhaps one evening is dedicated to family dinner while another is open for friends or downtime. Sometimes teenagers become frustrated when they have the expectation they may be able to do something at a given day/time, but then last-minute family obligations may interfere. And the reason isn't that your teenager is being "rebellious" or stubborn. They just may not want to appear unreliable to their friends, for example.
Validate their need for rest: The end of a school semester often brings exhaustion, especially for college-bound or high-achieving students. Allowing time for recovery can prevent burnout. You can check in with your teenager before, during, and after the holidays. Adolescence is an ever-changing landscape so, see what works for them and what doesn't.
The Parent Perspective: Emotional Labor and Unrealistic Ideals
Parents often feel the invisible weight of creating a "perfect" holiday – one that feels magical, cohesive, and memory-worthy. Mothers may often bear much of the emotional labor: organizing meals, coordinating travel, and smoothing family tensions. Fathers may experience stress tied to financial pressures, providing stability, or bridging gaps between family members. And, of course, there is overlap as well.
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When these expectations go unmet – when a teen is glued to their phone at dinner or seems disengaged – parents can feel unappreciated. Yet, it's crucial to differentiate between disappointment and failure. The reality is that no holiday unfolds exactly as imagined, and holding space for imperfection often yields more authentic connection.
Here are some strategies for both parents:
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Recalibrate "togetherness." Connection doesn’t have to mean hours of uninterrupted family time. Small, genuine moments can be more meaningful than orchestrated events. Tip: You can invite your teenager to come up with ideas that might align more with something they may enjoy-thus making them more motivated to engage.
Acknowledge differing expectations. Parents may have conflicting visions themselves. One parent might crave structure and tradition; the other parent might prefer a low-key approach. I remember one holiday when I was a teenager, my Mom wanted to go out and about to the mall, whereas my Dad wanted a more laid-back time at home watching movies. And I wanted to do a little of both. Discussing these differences openly (before the holidays) helps align expectations and reduces miscommunication.
Avoid comparisons. Social media often amplifies the illusion that everyone else's family is having a picture-perfect holiday. Remind yourself – and your teen – that curated images rarely reflect reality.
Bridging Perspectives: Communication as the Common Ground
Parents should consider the following practical communication tools:
Use "I" statements. Saying "I feel disappointed when you leave dinner early" is far less confrontational than "You never stay with us." Less accusation may diffuse tension.
Schedule family check-ins. A 15-minute chat about plans, expectations, and feelings can preempt misunderstandings.
Model emotional regulation. Teens observe how parents handle stress. Expressing frustration calmly and acknowledging your own limits models resilience and emotional intelligence.
Don’t be afraid to ask trusted friends for advice. If you have a family friend who may have constructive advice to offer based off their experience with their own teenagers, reach out and ask.
The Role of Academic and Future Stress
As a college advisor, I see how the holidays often coincide with another layer of anxiety – college applications, final grades, or uncertainty about the future. Parents may unintentionally heighten this stress by bringing up future plans during gatherings ("So, what colleges are you applying to?"). For many adolescents, these questions can feel overwhelming or even discouraging.
Consider this alternative: Create "college-free zones" during certain family times, especially if your teen is in the thick of applications or awaiting decisions. Replace future-focused conversations with present-focused connection: "What are you most looking forward to this week?" or "What would help you relax this break?"
A Season for Perspective
Ultimately, managing holiday stress with adolescents is about adjusting our lens. Rather than striving for a flawless season, aim for a connected one. The goal isn’t perfect harmony but mutual understanding – recognizing that everyone in the family, parents and teens alike, brings their own hopes, fatigue, and emotional needs to the table.
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When families approach the holidays with flexibility, empathy, and open communication, the result isn't just reduced stress, it's growth. These are the moments that teach adolescents (and remind parents) that relationships are built not on control or perfection, but on compassion and presence.
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EDITOR'S NOTE: This past week, a mother and father, Rob Reiner and his wife Michele, were taken from their family and the entertainment world far too soon. Reiner was a legendary, outspoken filmmaker of exquisite sensitivity, and also a Dad dealing with sensitive family issues. From what we know, he always tried to do better while admitting his own imperfections. Allan and I and the entire Daddying Film Festival & Forum team send our deepest condolences to the Reiner family, their friends, and colleagues. May Rob and Michele's memory and their art be a blessing for generations to come.
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Dr. Medeeha Khan is a doctor who is currently specializing in pediatrics as well as a college advisor and tutor of several years. In addition to providing college admissions support to families, she also writes free blog posts on topics, such as organization for high school students, college essay advice, college prep information for parents, and even premed-specific information for high school students interested in healthcare. She has a passion for writing and for spreading free information for parents and families who are dedicated to the wellness and success of their children.Â
