What Floats to the Top
- Allan Shedlin
- 23 minutes ago
- 4 min read
By Allan Shedlin
Grampsy and Founder, Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F)
I have been a bit of an emotional wreck over the last few weeks as my older brother struggles to cling to life as his cancer tries to claim it.
For many years, I have been told, and experienced, that during times of intense family passages like weddings, births, deaths, religious celebrations – times when extended family gather – "all the shit floats to the top." But I've also learned that during such moments of emotional density, the opposite can be true: tenderness and kindness can imbue the saddest moments with a comforting balm.
As my daughters and grandchildren learn of, or observe, my emotional vulnerability they have each stepped up in their own way(s). In my three-plus decades of working with Dads/Granddads and their offspring, I've written about and observed that when men cry and express their vulnerability, it ought to be viewed as a strength, not a weakness.
When men cry, they have not "lost it," rather, I believe they have found it. When men can show their vulnerability, they are not being "soft," they are being tender.
And during these times when toughness and bullying are being brandished with abandon, tenderness and compassion need to be exuberantly ascendant. And, as I benefit and savor the compassion and tenderness of my family – biological and chosen – I allow myself a degree of satisfaction that my lived values have been transmitted.
When men cry, they have not "lost it," rather, I believe they have found it. When men can show their vulnerability, they are not being "soft," they are being tender.
As I stood by my brother's bedside I encouraged him to share his favorite poem with me – one he learned from our maternal grandmother and often recited with her. It feels appropriate to share it here:
Somebody's Mother
by Mary Dow Brine (1816-1913)
The woman was old and ragged and gray
And bent with the chill of the Winter's day.
The street was wet with a recent snow
And the woman's feet were aged and slow.
She stood at the crossing and waited long,
Alone, uncared for, amid the throng
Of human beings who passed her by
Nor heeded the glance of her anxious eyes.
Down the street, with laughter and shout,
Glad in the freedom of "school let out,"
Came the boys like a flock of sheep,
Hailing the snow piled white and deep.
Past the woman so old and gray
Hastened the children on their way.
Nor offered a helping hand to her –
So meek, so timid, afraid to stir
Lest the carriage wheels or the horses' feet
Should crowd her down in the slippery street.
At last came one of the merry troop,
The gayest laddie of all the group;
He paused beside her and whispered low,
"I'll help you cross, if you wish to go."
Her aged hand on his strong young arm
She placed, and so, without hurt or harm,
He guided the trembling feet along,
Proud that his own were firm and strong.
Then back again to his friends he went,
His young heart happy and well content.
"She's somebody's mother, boys, you know,
For all she's aged and poor and slow,
"And I hope some fellow will lend a hand
To help my mother, you understand,
"If ever she's poor and old and gray,
When her own dear boy is far away."
And "somebody's mother" bowed low her head
In her home that night, and the prayer she said
Was "God be kind to the noble boy,
Who is somebody's son, and pride and joy!"
Daddying Film Festival & Forum 2027
June 21, 2026
Save the Dates: The 6th annual, virtual Daddying Film Festival will take place on Eventive, January 11-20, 2027, and our LIVE Daddying Film Forum will screen Atticus Award winners and finalists, January 29-30, 2027! Start planning your submissions now for the D3F 2027 Call for Entries, which opens this Fathers' Day, June 21st. More D3F news to come!
Allan Shedlin has devoted his life's work to improving the odds for children and families. He has three daughters, five grandchildren, and numerous "bonus" sons, daughters, and grandchildren. Trained as an educator, Allan has alternated between classroom service, school leadership, parenting coaching, policy development, and advising at the local, state, and national levels. After eight years as an elementary school principal, Allan founded and headed the National Elementary School Center. He has written about education and parenting for major news outlets and trade publications, as well as appearing on radio and TV. In 2008, he was the first male honored as a "Living Treasure" by Mothering Magazine and founded REEL Fathers. In 2010, he advised the Obama White House on Dad engagement and fatherhood policy. In 2017, he founded the DADvocacy Consulting Group. In 2018, he launched the DADDY Wishes Fund and Daddy Appleseed Fund. In 2019, he co-created and co-facilitated the Armor Down/Daddy Up! and Mommy Up! programs for veterans and their children. He has conducted daddying workshops with Native American pueblos, veterans’ groups, penitentiaries, Head Start centers, corporate boardrooms, and elementary schools. In 2022, Allan founded and directed the Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F). In 2024, he was named to Who’s Who. In 2025, Allan was honored with an "Official Citation" from the Maryland State General Assembly "In Recognition for All You Do for Dads, Granddads, and Kids of All Ages." He also was named 2025 “Father of the Year” by the Fathers & Families Coalition of America. Allan earned his elementary and high school diplomas from NYC’s Ethical Culture Schools, BA at Colgate University, MA at Columbia University’s Teachers College, and an ABD at Fordham University. He considers his D-A-D and GRAND D-A-D the most important “degrees” of all.
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